Plainly you have a thing for bald Jewish guys, like Ron, so you'd probably find me attractive; we'll set aside your first husband, Gabriel Byrne, the Irish actor. So, you've done the actor boyfriend, the billionaire boyfriend, and I read that Val Kilmer figured somewhere in the mix. My advice: chin up, spread your wings, move in a new direction, and try a blogger boyfriend. Like me.

Writing for Kesher Talk is pretty hot stuff, you know. I may not get the kind of viewership you get for your movies, but my reviews are good and, hey, we're both in show biz, keeping the public amused and entertained, right? Being an informed Jew, I'm sure you read KT regularly. And I'll return the compliment: I'm a big fan of your ouevre, as they say in France. I loved The Big Easy and Sea of Love. You burned up the screen. I'm sure you've done some fine work in the 17 years since then.

Then we have the Jewish thing. You're from the Bronx, I'm from Texas, but we're both Members of the Tribe. I'm proud of my background, but I'm not Orthodox and won't pester you about that "Laws of Family Purity" matter that frum Ron might have been keen on. You can mix meat and milk in my kitchen until your heart's content. If you like to go to shul, we'll go where you go, unless it involves burning incense or knotting a red string around my ankle, or something.

Now the money issue may cause you some anxiety. Even after getting $60 million in a divorce settlement, a gal has to be concerned about a romantic interest's solvency. Let me put your concerns to rest, Ellen: I make a nice living at whatever it is I do, contribute regularly to retirement saving (index funds, Ellen, that's the ticket), and know how to pick up the check for a night on the town, at least until the fourth date. At the same time, I have a simple, healthy lifestyle. Forget about the annoyance of the butlers and cooks and cleaners and all those servants underfoot -- I do all that work myself. More or less. And I'm healthy. I'm pretty much a vegetarian, except for the turkey burgers and chicken thighs I buy in bulk at Costco; OK, I absolutely devour mahi-mahi if I can put it on an expense account.

So think about it, Ellen. Blogger, younger guy, film buff, JCC workout fiend, financially stable, still working on my first million, but this blogging thing is going to pay off big, I'm sure of that. Since you're reading KT right now, you know how to reach me. And if you call and we get together, I promise to get my Hyundai detailed so I can squire you around in the style to which you are accustomed.