"The Democrats should be very proud of themselves," she said calmly at a raucous press conference. "They tried very, very hard and exceeded everybody's expectations. They are showing good effort and progress in using 'big-boy' political strategies. I have sent Vice-President Rice to the Democratic headquarters to give Cindy Sheehan a 'Kiss Me, I'm a Winner' sticker."

The midterm elections marked a major expansion in the Democratic presence on Capitol Hill. In the Senate, Sens. Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton will welcome Senator-Elect Vicente Fox of California and Senator-Elect Mumia Abu-Jamal of Pennsylvania. Fox and Abu-Jamal won tough elections against "non-traditional" Republican candidates, a requirement for certain races put into force following the 2008 elections in an attempt to "level the playing field." Sheehan congratulated Fox and Abu-Jamal on their wins, calling them "the kind of people who made the Democratic Party what it is today."

Thus, Fox defeated Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, while Abu-Jamal squeaked by against an autographed photo of beloved funnyman Milton Berle. New York Senator Chuck Schumer, however, was defeated by a half-filled tube of K-Y jelly, prompting cries of "dirty politics" from Sheehan.

"It was terribly unfair for the Republicans to nominate a tube of K-Y jelly," she argued. "That really ate into Chuck Schumer's liberal political base, and that's not the way things should work."

Responding to Sheehan's complaints, Republican National Committee chairwoman Jenna Bush said, "OK, you know, like, whatever," and resumed a spirited game of horseshoes with her father George W. Bush and grandfather George H. W. Bush at the family compound in Kennebunkport, Maine. Grandmother Barbara Bush was not available, being pre-occupied with her work as Secretary of Defense in Washington, D.C.

In the House, Minority Leader Cynthia McKinney welcomed playwright Tony Kushner, the Dixie Chicks (the first multiple-person Representative in history), celebrity Paris Hilton, and adult film star Peter North to the House, and immediately began making committee assignments "so we can get this show on the road now and start putting heat on the Bushites," she explained. McKinney will continue as the chairwoman of the House Democratic 9-11 Truth, Reconciliation and Flagellation Committee. She named Rep. Hilton to lead the Democratic Black-Latino-Caucasian Caucus, while Rep. Dixie Chicks will be in charge of the Democratic Sharia Implementation Study Group.

In the face of the strong Democratic gains, the GOP took some comfort in its surprise victory in New York over long-time incumbent Chuck Schumer. Speaking at a press conference, Senator-Elect K-Y Jelly thanked the people of New York for their support. "I look forward to working hand-in-hand with New York's senior senator Hillary Clinton on important issues," Senator Jelly said.

Sheehan, however, described Schumer's loss as "another huge moral victory" for the Democrats, saying, "We forced the GOP to spend $20 in this campaign. They could only beat Chuck Schumer by nominating the biggest damn tube of K-Y jelly in production. So it was an extemely costly campaign for them and the Republicans are certainly welcome to burn through their campaign war chest of ill-gotten blood money if they want. In my view, the Democrats are perfectly positioned for a massive victory in 2012. Just watch us shine."