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August 11, 2006
Our Porcine Pals: Innovative Airline Security
The thwarted London plane bombings show the chronic need for innovative security measures. El Al-style questioning would work best, but short of that I'm in favor of retrofitting all planes with bags of pig lard throughout, set to coat the interior and passengers if the plane blows up. Below is a photo of the Anglosphere's new partner in security, the bristly and beloved wild boar.
The thinking is that Muslims would recoil at a suicide mission that involves any contact with pig products. The idea has been bandied about in Israel, according to this article:
Israeli police are considering using bags of pig lard in buses and other places to deter Muslim suicide bombers, Maariv reported today. The proposal received the Jerusalem rabbinate's approval.The police's suggestion is based on the fact that strict Muslim tradition holds that any Muslim who comes in contact with a pig before dying will be denied access to heaven.
Rabbi Eliezer Moshe Fisher, of the Jerusalem Rabbinical Court, ruled yesterday that "there is no Halachic ban on using bags of lard in buses and other places" when saving lives is concerned. The Halachic permit says bags of lard may be used in any place that might be a target for suicide bombings, such as schools, shopping malls and railway stations.
I would go further. I would cover each seat on airlines in pigskin, and include in the magazine pocket the latest issue of National Hog Farmer, a fine publication that deserves wider readership. In addition, the National Pork Board could sponsor in-air tastings of its delicious products. Naturally, eating these incredible edibles would be voluntary. However, anybody who begins to scream about jihad in the mere presence of innocent little pigs-in-a-blanket should be watched carefully, even hog-tied.
The National Pork Board could also sponsor a cute character in a costume -- let's call him Boaris -- to greet departing passengers and hand out brochures detailing the porcine security measures.
I've got other ideas, but they come from the movie Deliverance, and Burt Reynolds movies should be used only as the last line of defense in matters of national security.
Van | 08/11/06 at 04:45 PM | Categories: WWIV
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Comments
That's very intriguing, Van. In a very arcane kind of way, it would be interesting to try to spell out the "spiritual laws" that would determine that process.
Is it the idea that pig products create an invisible, aether like barrier-shield that prevents a soul from ascending.
Or is it more like a spiritual super glue that binds to a soul so strongly, never throughout eternity will those bond release the soul.
And BTW, I thought you thought that Jack Bauer was the last line of defense in matters of national security.
Alcibiades | August 11, 2006 05:35 PM
That's absurd.
absurd | August 11, 2006 05:40 PM
I think the bombers would be dead before their body parts came in contact with the lard. If necessary they could rig the bombs to insure it.
Some of the suicide bombers think they are only curriers so it might not deter all attacks.
Also, it too cruel to the souls of the pigs to force their lard to come in contact with body parts of such scum as suicide bombers.
porky | August 11, 2006 06:42 PM
John J. Pershing would approve.
Tom Holsinger ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.keshertalk.com/nav-commenters.gif)
| August 12, 2006 08:01 PM
