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August 04, 2006
Reading Castro's Will: I Bequeath My Rectum to Cindy Sheehan
September 1, 2006: Of all the surprises that followed in the wake of the death of Cuban dictator Fidel Castro from the euphemistic "intestinal bleeding," perhaps none was bigger than the details of his will.
Revealed at a national telecast live from Havana, the will left El Lider Maximo's rectum to American peace activist and pest Cindy Sheehan. Alerted to the bequest, Sheehan was on hand at the Palacio Nacional to receive the momentous gift.
"I'm so, so touched by this noble man's wonderful gesture," declared Sheehan, tears running down her cheeks. She tightly clutched a gallon-sized pickle jar, which was barely big enough to contain Castro's swollen, ravaged orifice as it floated in formaldehyde. "I once saw a movie called 'They Saved Hitler's Brain,' so perhaps Michael Moore and I can team up to tell an exciting story called 'They Saved Castro's Rectum.'"
In the spirit of progressive solidarity, Sheehan said she plans to take Castro's rectum on a triumphant victory tour of left-wing blog sites,where Kossacks and others can reverently stroke and pet the giant jar. She will also sell photos of it online, along with tasteful ceramic reproductions.
"If people are super-nice to me I might let them stick their hand in and touch the real deal," she said impishly. "But that would be a special treat."
Meanwhile, Cuban pathologists confirmed that they found neither a brain nor a heart in Castro for preservation, only his monumental rectum.
One senior medical officer said, "We can officially confirm that Fidel Castro was the biggest asshole in the world."
Van | 08/04/06 at 04:57 PM | Categories: - Useful idiots
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Comments
One of these days I may hurt myself falling out of my chair. (I'm from Texas and may be a little "slow".) Heh
Dick Bellis | August 5, 2006 09:15 AM
Perhaps Cindy can wrap it around herself for warmth on those cold Crawford nights.
ahen | August 5, 2006 06:14 PM
Hi Van. The post was evidently intended to be funny, but wasn't. Don't get me wrong, I'm not getting upset because my liberal worldview is being lampooned, or because the piece was in bad taste, or any of that crap. No, it wasn't funny because the joke doesn't work.
See, if you'd made it Saddam's rectum being bequeathed to Cindy Sheehan, that might have been funny, because there's an Iraq war link between them. Or maybe you could have had Castro leaving his asshole to Hugo Chavez; again, there's a hero-worshipping kind of link which would make it funny. (Kind of.)
of course, maybe the trouble isn't that you're clueless about humour: maybe you're one of these Americans we hear so much about who can't point to Iraq on a map (and have trouble with Canada). Cuba is in the Caribbean, near Florida. Its main export is Jeb Bush supporters. Iraq is a big country in Asia, just along a bit from Saudi Arabia. Its main export used to be oil but is now dead Americans. (See, I really don't have a problem with tasteless humour.)
Don't feel bad about mixing them up though. There are plenty of similarities between Cuba and Iraq. They both have four letters for a start, and both have (or had) leaders with facial hair, funny hats, and a love for the sound of their own voices. There are slight differences, though. The United States invaded Iraq without provocation, deposed the president, and then proceeded to get its ass kicked by the unimpressed locals. The United States also invaded Cuba without provocation, but was unable to depose the president because the unimpressed locals chased it back into the Bay of Pigs before it even got close.
Hope that helps. Keep trying with the jokes and I'm sure you'll manage one soon.
Rob | August 12, 2006 11:35 PM
