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February 28, 2007
A New Mommy for Dannielynn: What Would King Solomon Do?
What will become of Dannielynn, the daughter of deceased Anna Nicole Smith? Men squabble about who is the father; Anna Nicole's mom strides across the stage; other bit players stand in the wings, ready to burst into the floodlights.
King Solomon made his reputation as a wise arbiter of parenting issues, so I tried to channel his thoughts on the matter. After several shots of Slivovitz, the spirit of Shlomo ha-Melech descended on me. I have now picked myself up off the floor and can report on the wisdom he has chosen to channel to the world through me:
"Everything is so farklempt inthis case, just like in the Temple days. Those contractors! But I'll stay on the topic. Clearly, the daughter needs a mother who will provide a safe, celebrity-sensitive environment for Dannielynn. Howard K. Stern -- what a meshugennah, never really marrying Anna Nicole. No common sense in that man. Anna Nicole's mom or sister? I have my doubts.Only one woman can match Anna Nicole in spirit and beauty, and she's got more common sense to boot:
Madonna a/k/a Esther shall be the mother. She's got it all, and her house is big enough for one more kid. She got Sean Penn and that Warren Beatty out of her system and has been married to Guy Ritchey since 2000. That's stability. And with all that kabbalah running through her head, why Dannielynn's almost Jewish! Well, not even almost, more like a little spritz of Yiddishkeit. OK, not even that, but you know what I mean.
So ordered. Custody to Madonna. Now you'll excuse me, the Queen of Sheba craves my attention."
Van | 02/28/07 at 07:31 AM | Categories: - Useful idiots
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