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April 12, 2007
May 1, 2007: Don Imus Declares, 'I am the Fifth Dixie Chick'
May 1, 2007: Battling to come back from his swift fall from overpaid radio mouth to social pariah, Don Imus has declared himself "the Fifth Dixie Chick," joining fellow humiliated celebrity Michael Richards as a male member of the singing group the Dixie Chicks. Like Richards, Imus blamed his horrendous racial comments on Republican mind control tactics.
"I am a victim," declared Imus. "$10 million a year couldn't make me say the things I did. Well, OK, maybe it did, but I had no say in the matter."
As previously reported on Kesher Talk, Richards declared himself a victim of "Rovian mind control" after his own racist rantings last November torpedoed whatever remained of his post-Seinfeld career. By blaming his comments on the Republicans, Richards won the hearts of the Chicks, who made him "the Fourth Dixie Chick." The women immediately dressed Richards in cute, spangly cowgirl outfits and taught him to move in a seductive manner as Chicks' first "doo-wa girl" boy singer.
"Hey, I gotta get me a piece of that action," Imus explained at a press conference in Caracas, Venezuela, where the Dixie Chicks are giving another command performance for Hugo Chavez. "My old pal Michael enlightened me to the source of evil in the universe. Once I understood I have been a helpless puppet of the GOP, everything made sense."
"Don Imus has said many horrible things in his career," said Dixie Chick Natalie Maines. "However, we accept Don's hearfelt explanation that he has been suffering from Republican mind control for decades, and he was powerless over his actions. He has admitted his faults, and that's the first step in overcoming the terrible burden of Republican mental telepathy. We are proud to welcome him as the Fifth Dixie Chick."
Imus appeared at the press conference wearing his own cute, spangly cowgirl outfit and a cowboy hat. Imus and Richards then showed their world press their hand-jiving, hip-shaking moves as the Dixie Chicks' new doo-wa boys.
After the delightful presentation, Imus tearfully hugged the 10-foot pole that separates him from the three female Dixie Chicks. The 10-foot pole is a contractually specified object that was a condition of his joining the group.
Van | 04/12/07 at 09:09 PM | Categories: - Useful idiots
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