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June 17, 2007
Key Theological Dispute Drives Wedge Into Hamas
September 1, 2007: Tarnishing its image as the most unstoppable military force since the Wermacht rolled over France, Hamas has been thrown into an uproar as Gaza has splintered into at least 10 different zones in the wake of a ferocious theological dispute.
Heads and fatwas were flying off the rooftops this past week as different factions vied to prove which one hates Jews more. While Westerners were baffled by the contentions, sources told us "this is a super important matter. Whoever hates the Jews the most gets major props in Gaza, right up there with having the sharpest ski mask."
Initially, after crushing Fatah in the June coup, Hamas displayed a fairly uniform level of homicidal intent toward Jews. In the following weeks, however, sharp differences appeared. At first, varying levels of foaming rage led to a north-south split, with Original Hamas in the northern Gaza and New Original Hamas setting up shop in the south.
But the disputations raged until the ever-changing map of Gaza looked like the inside of Arafat's medicine cabinet.
In addition to Original Hamas and New Original Hamas, divisions created by varying degress of homicidal intent include (as of yesterday):
Skull n' Bones Hamas
The Real McCoy Hamas
Lemon Zest Hamas
Hamas Loves Jimmah
Nutroot Flavored Hamas
Happy Face Hamas
and the smallest unit of them all, occupying a canton of only 150 square yards, Neturei Hamas.
In response, the Central Organizing Junta of the Consolidated Hamasians organized a family "sit down" to settle once and for all this key question. Each group had five minutes to demonstrate how much it hated the Jews. Here are the results of the presentation:
Skull n' Bones Hamas: We hate the Jews so much we will not watch American Idol until they are driven into the sea.
The Real McCoy Hamas: We hate the Jews so much we will forego the pleasures of sheep until they are driven into the sea.
Lemon Zest Hamas: We hate the Jews so much we will torment each other with feather dusters and spray from seltzer bottles until they are driven into the sea.
Hamas Loves Jimmah: We hate the Jews so much we will organize round-the-clock readings of the collected writings of Jimmy Carter until they are driven into the sea.
Nutroot Flavored Hamas: We hate the Jews so much we will not upgrade from dial-up Internet service until they are driven into the sea.
Happy Face Hamas: We hate the Jews so much we will tighten our sphincters like clenched fists until they are driven into the sea.
Neturei Hamas: We hate the Jews so much we will tighten our sphincters like clenched fists AND seal them with Crazy Glue until they are driven into the sea.
We have a winner! Let's give a warm Hamas cheer for . . . Neturei Hamas!
Van | 06/17/07 at 09:25 PM | Categories: - Gaza and Palestine
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