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February 22, 2009
Message to the President: Start Thinking BIG with $1Q
The stimulus bill, a/k/a the Generational Theft Act, rounds up to $780 billion. Analysts of the bailout regularly bring up figures of $1 trillion, $2 trillion, and more. I guess that's a lot of money, but spread among 300,000,000 Americans, the per-capita total is pathetically small. As I calculate, that's only $3,333 per person. That won't get the economy going again. It barely pays for teens' text messaging.
President Obama, think BIG. Think about the hope and change that brought you into office, how millions of Americans and billions of global masses turned to you to heal the economy, lower the level of the oceans and cool the planet. You must do more, now. A stimulus bill won't do much about rising oceans, and a piddly $780 billion won't do jack for the economy, either.
Forget about a trillion dollar plan. Instead, go for the gold with a QUADRILLION DOLLAR BAILOUT. That's $1,000,000,000,000,000.00, or as I call it $1Q. Forget the banks and automakers -- pay the money directly to individuals. That's hope and change on A-Rod style steroids.
Let me explain.
I'm thinking this money could be evenly divided among all Americans. If my math is correct, a $1 quadrillion bailout works out to $3,333,333 for each American. Let's keep this simple. Everybody gets it -- kids, parents, bankers, coke fiends, bloggers, the homeless, the employed, the laid-off, telemarketers, everybody except Bernie Madoff, who already got his.
In one move, President Obama can wipe the American slate even cleaner than his election did. First, he can declare that the $1Q marks "paid" to matters including Holocaust reparations, Katrina reparations, thimerosol reparations, Johnstown Flood reparations, Reconstruction reparations, Whiskey Rebellion reparations, Madoff reparations, carrier pigeon extinction reparations, Milli Vanilli reparations, lame Ben Affleck movie reparations -- everything! America will be healed and as clean and pure as the driven snow on a cascading wave of greenbacks.
Think about it. Everybody will be a multi-millionaire. The Octomom will pull down close to $50 million, enabling her to pop out a few more litters. Everybody will finally have the resources they need to pay their mortgage, afford college for their kids, save for retirement, buy more cheap plastic junk from China, play Lotto, buy big-screen HDTVs, have the tackiest and loudest bar and bat mitzvahs ever imagined, subscribe to HBO and Showtime both, take vacations to Las Vegas, help Hillary Clinton pay off her campaign debts, buy gasoline and "green" cars and "hip, funky, edgy" clothing, subscribe to JDate, and afford as much quality health care as they want, even those wacky colonic irrigation treatments I read about in the tofu-and-yoga magazines.
Keynesians will rejoice, because $1Q will lead to the mother of multiplier effects. People will feel better, will spend, housing prices will stabilize, affordable stocks will be very affordable. Life will be better, life will be gayer. The new administration will be dizzy with success.
Go ahead, challenge my thinking. Come on, who wants to be a millionaire? Everybody. With the $1Q plan, America will truly be a post-racial world, where everybody is . . . green.
Van | 02/22/09 at 10:58 AM | Categories: - From Sea to Shining Sea
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